Going Down Memory Lane Is Like Driving While Looking In The Mirror.

 Alaina & Me

I recently got caught up cleaning my room and organizing my paperwork. It took a lot longer than I had planned because of all the old pictures I was coming across. This picture of Alaina and me was when she was around 2 1/2 years old. Her mother and I had just reconciled after our first separation. My poor baby has gone through the most out of all the children because she was the oldest and remembers most of the fights between her mother and I. I will always look at my baby girl the way I see her in this picture. 

I know a lot of fathers feel the same way about their daughters. This can also be a big problem. As we're so busy looking at our daughters as if they are babies they are growing up faster than we like. As men we forget that girls mature faster than boys. Their interest in boys is just something we don't want to talk about and as our girls fill out we fail to hug them because of that uncomfortable feeling of realizing that your baby is now a young woman. We're so focused on the way she used to be while time keeps moving forward. Similar to driving while staring in the rear view mirror, it's just a matter of time that you'll crash. 

As a single parent I've tried my best to keep things well balanced for my children. They will never have the excuse that I was absent from functions. I refuse to allow them the excuse that their mistakes are because their mom hasn't been there and when my ego is riding high I've told them that they are better off having me as a father than some kids are having both parents. I've also been told that I'm one of the cool dads but now I wonder if I was being played. I have tried to give my kids the freedom they need to make their own mistakes but I've also guided them every step and don't expect them to make certain mistakes. Time has convinced me that sometimes people don't believe you until they have made that same mistake themselves. My kids are no exception and so I've incorporated the ever famous phrase "I told you so". 

Teenage girls are a whole new species and I am definitely not an expert but I will share what I have learned so far. Back when I was a teen and started to like girls I would have to call them at home. Sometimes a parent or older sibling would answer the phone and so in a nervous tone I had to ask for permission to speak to the girl. Now most teenage girls have their own cell phones, emails, twitter, myspace, facebook and instant messenger accounts. Teenage boys don't have to go through what I went through to court a young lady. It's all easy access and most teenagers without adult supervision will push the envelope. Flirtations over text message and instant messenger programs are widely used by our teens that it's own phrase has been created, sexting. I also don't remember using such vulgar language especially if an adult was within earshot.

Recently I was shocked by my daughter and what I saw on her myspace account. I was lucky to catch it early enough thanks to having friends that are always looking out for the kids and myself. Her facebook account was very different from myspace but of course on facebook I was her friend. The internet allows people to take on different personalities and sometimes kids make themselves feel better by acting a certain way or what they think is socially acceptable amongst their friends. I have always talked to my daughter about character and if a certain action is questionable to pray on it. I have had her write about her experience and what exactly she was thinking. To make a long story short she liked the attention boys gave her by being a certain way. She did not think of the long term consequences such as college recruiters, employment recruiters, or even child predators reading what she was putting out there. Another thing she didn't think about was that the relationship with boys who liked her myspace account was only going to lead to one thing and it wouldn't be a relationship worth having. I gave her a lot of freedom and it was all based on trust. I regret not listening to Dr. Laura's advice against teens having these social networking accounts. I am now convinced that our kids need to learn how to socialize face to face and be who they really are and not be so quick to use their cell phones to text. I have cut off my daughter's phone and accounts. I might one day pick up a phone for emergency reasons only but it will not have text functions or a camera. For now she will always have change on her to use a pay phone. 

I was so caught up looking at my girl as my baby that I did not even think she was capable of speaking in a vulgar tone. I am still disappointed but at the same time happy that it was caught and I have been able to talk to her about the consequences. She didn't fight me on giving up her phone because she is more concerned at gaining my trust again. Well it's either that or she felt that I was going to beat her because I was so upset. I was able to keep my composure and I was amazed at how much she cried just from me telling her that I was disappointed and didn't trust her anymore. I like to encourage adopting changes to technology but I still believe there is so much more value in learning how older generations communicated and developing valuable relationships by being able to be yourself. God help our children and our parents to provide the proper guidance.

Working Yourself Out of a Job

"When you're 18 I'm free!", this is the phrase some of us say when we're joking about parenting. Well some of us are joking others maybe serious. You can ask any grandparent and they'll all tell you that it never ends but the demands from the children just change.

I've spent most of my parenting as a single parent. I remember taking on the task and swearing off of any relationships until my kids are 18 and off to college. This was 9 years ago and yes it is tough. I'm not at all a psychologist but I did know that if I did focus on a relationship for myself that it would create drama for my kids, especially my daughter. This is not about me so let me get back on track. In this day and age even two parent households face a very tough time raising their kids. We find ourselves working more and spending less time with the kids. Being under the same roof is not the same as spending time.

"Kids spell L-O-V-E, T-I-M-E" - Zig Ziglar. I love this quote because it is so true. I'm told that I'm a patient man but I don't see that. Sometimes I feel that I can scare my kids away when I'm coaching. I'm really competitive and it shows when I coach. To my surprise the kids love me and their parents aren't concerned about my yelling. Leads me to the conclusion that kids just appreciate that someone cares about them and is willing to play with them. The parents must appreciate that it's not them that is yelling at their kids.

Whoever follows my blogs or me on Facebook or Twitter can see that I spend a lot of time with the kids. I have even been asked by other parents if I ever work. I know they did not mean any harm. They actually follow up and congratulate me for spending so much time and volunteering my time as a coach. We have so many demands on our time that we start to forget the real reason why we work so much. Eventually the material goods that we want, not need, become a burden. Then we start trying to buy our kids love.

Being thrown into single parenthood was a huge wake up call. Prior to that I was about status. I was young and having status felt like it meant so much. Deep down inside I was in conflict with how my parents had raised me. I allowed my then wife to convince me to spend as if there was no tomorrow. Divorce, single parenthood, bankruptcy, etc... brought me back down to earth. What was important now was God, family, and friends. Needless to say I feel that my purpose in life is to raise my kids and give back to the community by being a positive influence to other kids. This is the kind of greed that I'm proud of cause it doesn't pay anything but I get points with God.

To answer the question if I work, yes and all the time. As a Realtor who is a know it all I'm there as a resource to all my contacts. People will call me with real estate questions, tax questions, and even directions. Do I always get paid no but that's not what I'm concerned with. I am concerned that I'm there to serve others. The real estate business is where I make my money and because I serve others eventually they reward me with a referral. My business is round the clock. It is more flexible than a 9 to 5 but I am on the clock from 7am to 11pm. Thanks to PDA's, laptops, and technology I have found something that I love to do and is flexible enough to be a parent that is hands on. Also I have learned to accept help from friends and family. The circle I have around the kids and myself is full of very loving people. My character is a reflection of my surroundings.

This brings me to the point I'm trying to make. When you decide to become a parent it should be job number one. Plan your career and life according to the children. We should always be striving to make the next generation better. Get the kids away from the TV and go out and play with them. We all need to try to be kids again but be careful cause I've realized I don't bounce up as easily as them. Remember the freedom our parents gave us. These freedoms have allowed us to make our own mistakes and learn from them. What I do is point out the mistakes I've made to my kids and I ask them not to repeat them. In the end wisdom comes from experience. I love my job as a parent but to be an effective parent I know that one day I will have worked myself out of this job and set these kids free.